Lucky Seven

• Directed by Chao Chen something
• Starring
  • Chiao something
  • Yang Wei
  • Tsu Yu Ta
  • Lin Tung something
  • Cheng Wei Pai

I have no idea what movie this originally was; the title “7 Lucky Ninja Kids” is superimposed in bad digital lettering over a still screencap in the middle of the credits, which tells me that someone, somewhere, has released this under another title. [Edit: Astute reader Gerard points out that this is also known as Lucky 7. It may also have been released under the franchise title "Thunder Ninja Kids."] What I can tell you is that the few people who have seen this current incarnation and commented on in on the IMDb have done so with a uniformity of opinion, ranging from “eh” to “blech.”
What are they, NUTS?! I loved this. I’m not saying that it’s high art, but I giggled and guffawed and paid attention every minute, fully entertained. My kids did, too; in fact, this may turn out to be a family favorite. (Except for Alex. He’s ten years old, and suddenly too cool for things that are self-consciously hokey. His loss.)
(As is par for the course for Americanized martial arts flicks, the seven kids in question are Chinese, not Japanese, but at least the “Ninja” appellation isn’t quite as misplaced as it usually is, as at least one of the kids likes to dress up in ninja attire.)

Isn’t this where they turn into Voltron or something?

We’re introduced to the seven during the opening credits, as they show their moves by beating up generic adults. bear with me here, as the text got mangled by the pan-&-scan framing:

• Little Chilli (Chiao something, our token female)
• Little Fatty (Yang Wei something)
• Bumpkin (Tsu Yu Ta)
• Little Elf (Lin Tung something)
• Rocky (Cheng Wei Pai)
• Two Teeth (Wang Chi Chen)
• something Hsiao Mao (Chang Chai something)

Which really doesn’t help as much as you’d think, since one of the kids is addressed as “Dummy” consistently throughout the movie. The perils of international cinema.
Okay. Anyway. Six of our seven get to the airport in their individual styles (parachuting, sparking skateboard, ninja scurry, etc.) to greet the seventh, Rocky, who’s back for a visit from the United States. These kids are somewhere between eight and ten years old, so it’s no surprise that Rocky’s showing a little bit of extra interest in lone girl Chilli. Chilli is also the only one whose parents are even mentioned, and that just to explain their absence; they went on a trip and left her in the protection of her chauffeur (whose name I never caught, so he’ll just be “chauffeur” for the duration), whom Chilli delights in tormenting and eluding. No parents or guardians are ever mentioned for the others. Even Rocky is just fine flying pan-Pacific flights with no adult accompaniment and no adults to meet him on the Hong Kong side.

Wait, don’t tell me — he’s a bad guy, right?

The kids head out for a celebratory restaurant dinner, where Rocky impresses them all with his American finesse in ordering steak. (“Medium? Don’t you want a big one?) But Chilli notices that the table across from theirs is occupied by less savory sorts — specifically, a bunch of gangsters, negotiating for the sale of a diamond with Helen Chang and her whitejacketed companion. When the gangsters try a double-cross, the whole restaurant explodes in a flurry of fu fighting, with the kids immediately defending themselves and holding their own. In fact, as far as this movie demonstrates, the only person in Hong Kong who doesn’t know kung fu is the chauffeur, who snuck in against Chilli’s wishes to keep an eye on her and ends up wandering into the wrong end of too many fists and feet.
Well, the kids finally give their meal up for lost and head out to the mall, where Survivor’s “Burning Heart” is playing in a continuous loop (and I’m betting they didn’t make any licensing fees of this, either). Meanwhile, Helen and Whitejacket escape with their diamond, and the head of this little group of gangsters (whom I shall dub The Smirker) has to report back to the Big Boss his failure. The Big Boss dresses in a white suit and hat, speaks with a nasal sneer, and wears an eyepatch. Occasionally. When he feels like it. Not because there’s anything wrong with his eye. The Smirker and his posse are sent out to try again to get the diamond.
And man, the Big Boss’s HQ must be close, because the Smirker had time to get there, report, and get back out before Helen and Whitejacket even got back to their car in the parking garage! They’re chased, and there’s yet more fu fighting and bullets flying, and the two of them split up. Whitejacket takes off through the mall where the kids are playing, and Chilli and Dummy follow the gangsters to see what’s going on. Chilli manages to see Whitejacket get shot and fall down a three-story stairwell; fortunately, he’s still got enough spunk in him to give her the diamond and tell her to give it to Helen Chang. Identifying characteristics? She’s wearing a red rose, and she has a mole on her leg.
The gangsters chase the two kids through a housing development and back into the mall (yup, “Burning Heart” is still playing), and the two of them prove they’re more than a match for a half-dozen hardened criminals. These chases and fights are a large portion of the movie, and it’s sad that they’re impossible to describe for you, but let me tell you that this scene contains what is quite possibly the best kick-in-the-groin gag ever.
When Chilli and Dummy make it back to the rest of their friends, their tale is pooh-poohed and the diamond waved off as a fake, until the Big Boss’s two closest henchmen show up at the apartment where they all hang out: Fatty and Dummy! Yes, I know — we already have a Fatty and a Dummy among the Lucky Kids, but it’s well known that there are only seven possible nicknames in the world, so it’s no wonder that we have to double up sometimes. (I’ll try to use modifiers like “Little Dummy” and “Big Fatty” when I can, but I make no promises.) Wondering about their names might have the positive effect of distracting you from wondering how they knew where to find the kids in the first place. In any event, it’s not like the kids are in any danger from them; when the bumbling duo try to break down the door, they end up crashing right through the apartment, out the balcony, and down twelve stories to the parking lot. None the worse for wear.

Haven’t seen anything that colorful since The Jets last went on tour.

Confronted by evidence that Chilli’s story may just be true, the kids decide… to go to the iceskating rink! While there, Chilli spends five minutes strutting her dance moves to the tune of “I’m Your Man” by Wham! (sorry, guys, wait in line behind Survivor) while Rocky makes appreciative noises. But they’re soon found by the gangster posse. Hmm… lots of ice… clumsy henchmen… I think you can see where this is going, can’t you?
So. Escaping once again from the bad guys, the kids decide to start searching for this Helen Chang in earnest. After all, in a city of over five million people, how hard could it be? Unfortunately, with one of the identifying characteristics being a mole on Helen’s leg, we’re in for a whole bunch of gags with the kids looking up skirts. And with the chauffeur, tagging along, being blamed for it and getting slapped. (Heck, the kids were doing that to him even before they started looking for Helen Chang. The best occurrence is when Chilli pats a woman’s behind and immediately says, “He did it.” When the woman turns to slap the chauffeur, he says, “Hold on,” and gives her butt a good groping — because, hey, as long as he’s going to get slapped for it…)
The chauffeur steps more fully into the story when, trying to get the kids out of the whole matter, he dresses in drag with a flower on his dress and paints a mole the size of a softball on his thigh. (Playing in the background? “I Just Called to Say I Love You.” Sorry, Stevie, wait in line…) The ruse only fails when he pats his bosoms, and the balloons in his bra pop.

“Does this look cancerous to you?”

And then the chase is on again, on bikes, until Rocky gets caught by the gangsters. Then the kids manage to find Helen Chang, so I suppose if they wanted to they could just consider her Rocky’s replacement and… but no. The Big Boss calls and demands they exchange the diamond for Rocky’s life. It’s time for the big showdown, in the requisite industrial warehouse!
Now, it’s common knowledge that Hong Kong action stars get the crap beaten out of them on camera, but it would probably surprise you to see how much punishment even the child actors take during the fifteen-minute finale, especially after the Big Boss unveils his secret weapons: Two Argentine tough guys. You might catch yourself winching as you watch these gradeschoolers being repeatedly flipped into walls, dropped to the floor, and being thrown headfirst through sheets of candy glass (I hope it was candy glass) to drop five feet to the concrete below.
But all’s well that ends well (unless they shot the most dangerous parts last, in which there may be a very good reason why I can’t find the child actors’ names in any other features), the Argentines and the Big Boss get the snot beaten out of them, and everyone’s happy. Rocky even declines to go back to the States at the last minute so he can spend more time with his friends. I guess when no one has any parents, your friends really mean a lot to you!
Looking back over what I’ve written, I suppose it’s not at all clear why I enjoyed this movie as much as I did. A large part of it is the martial arts skills on display; the children are more believable fu fighters than plenty of adults I’ve seen in chop-socky flicks. And the kids have personality, especially Chilli, which comes through even with the standard cartoony dubbing. And when you’ve got a running gag about a man getting slapped repeatedly by women who think he’s touched their tushes — shucks, what’s not to like? (Aside from some of the English-language script. Guys, when you’re translating a film for an audience of American children, you’ll probably raise some eyebrows when you include curses like “goddamn” and “Jesus Christ” and other words like “tits.”)

No points for guessing what happens next.

Best of all, this movie is one of those released by Brentwood for their Dollar DVD line at better discount stores everywhere. Given that even renting a VHS tape costs upwards of two bucks these days, you could easily find much worse ways to spend your money.